


Break My Heart and Hope To Die

by elliottkonekawa



Category: Shall We Date?: Ninja Love+
Genre: Alternate Canon, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Betrayal, Blood, Blood and Injury, Blood and Violence, Canon Rewrite, CanonxOC, Character Death, Emotional Manipulation, F/M, Friends to Enemies, Friends to Lovers, Hostage Situations, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Crush, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Torture, Internal Conflict, Love, M/M, Minor Character Death, Multi, OC, Romance, Self-Hatred, Shall We Date?, Shall We Date?: Ninja Love - Freeform, Swearing, Unrequited Love, Violence, canon hasn't quite been taken out back and shot but almost, gay if you squint, historical fiction - Freeform, ninja love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-11
Updated: 2018-12-11
Packaged: 2019-07-29 15:49:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16267391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elliottkonekawa/pseuds/elliottkonekawa
Summary: Taira Kaia was just an ordinary temple girl until the fateful day when five ninja's showed up on her doorstep.  Thrown into the world of the unknown, she agreed to leave the only life she had ever known and take up her role as the Kusunoki Princess. Due to a snake bite she received while travelling with Hattori Hanzo her paths crossed with the handsome doctor Rennoshin. Time has passed, the war draws closer and ever grew closer the relationship between Kaia and Rennoshin. However, something is wrong with the dear Princess... But what? What could she possible be hiding? And can Rennoshin and Kaia move past it?Break My Heart and Hope To Die is a story of love, betrayal and loss. Contains violence, death, blood, swearing and implied sexual content. Not suitable for anyone under the age of 13.  (May change to a different rating). Tags will be added as the story advances.





	1. Introduction

**Author's Note:**

> Break My Heart and Hope To Die shall only be published on Wattpad and Archive of Our Own under elliottkonekawa; if you see this story elsewhere or by another user please message me immediately.

_'Be careful who you trust; the devil was an angel once.'_

\- Unknown

Daybreak. Orange and yellow rays of sunlight streamed through the window to my bedroom. Stress had been taking over my mind recently causing my early rousing from sleep. I considered my options as I lie upon the futon, deliberating over which would best serve my predicament; either stay where I was unable to fall back asleep or I take a walk around the building in hopes to clear my head. Deciding the walk to be my best option I rose and dressed.

I left my room and began to roam the halls, quickly becoming lost within my thoughts. Much time had passed since Ren had treated my snake bite back in Tenryu yet only a handful of weeks since I made the most idiotic decision I would ever make. Now I had been left alone, afraid and mortified at what I had done.

Where my feet would take me was not something I was concerned with and before I knew it, I was outside. Golden beams continued to beat down as grey clouds begun to roll in, obscuring the sky. My thoughts began to wonder once more as I watched the sun slowly disappeared from view.

~*~

Breakfast arrived faster than I had anticipated. I could barely eat; I was thoroughly sick and disgusted with myself. Unfortunately, my lack of appetite and furious glare down at my food did not go unnoticed.

"Are you okay Kaia? You've barley touched your food..." observed Sasuke, his voice laced with concern. Raising my gaze and forcing a smile I replied.

"Oh, yeah, I'm okay." It was then that Ren turned to me and I could tell he, too, was concerned.

"Are you sure you're alright?" Guilt overcame me as I was questioned over my health; they really shouldn't be concerned over me. However, I knew I couldn't lie my way out of it this time – I would have to give them something.

"Well... I have been feeling a little sick... But I'm fine I-" before I had even reached the end of my sentence Ren was already in doctor-mode. Concerned green eyes met my own and I felt his hand press against my forehead. It was then I realised just how close Ren had gotten. Heat rose to my cheeks.

"You feel warm and look flushed... I think you should go back to bed, I'll be there soon alright?" I nodded in reply before retreating from the room, perhaps a little too quickly.

The walk back to my room seemed far longer than it ever had before. My head swarmed with thoughts and fears and I was all too aware I would not be able to banish them. With each passing second I continued to feel worse. Thoughts turned into questions, but I had no answers. Would everything turn out okay? Would Ren be okay? What about the others? ... What about me...?

Lost within my own mind, my surroundings became distant. I was brought back to reality when I collided with someone – or something – and fell backwards. I hit the floor with a thud; great, that was going to leave a bruise...

"Princess!" I looked up after I heard the exclamation. Kotaro; it must've been him I bumped into. He bent down beside me, and once again a look of concern was thrown my way. "Are you okay?"

"Y-yeah... Sorry Master Kotaro..." I replied before he aided me in standing. I brushed myself down of dust, which I wasn't sure was real or imaginary, effectively straightening my clothes as I did so.

"It was my fault, I wasn't paying attention." The apologetic tone with which he spoke only caused me to feel worse. It was me who should be apologising – and not just for bumping into him.

"Neither was I, sorry." I bowed deeply in apology. I felt a hand on my shoulder and glanced up.

"It was my fault too." At his words I straightened up. Our eyes met and I found myself frozen. His eyes were a deep pool of red, and were actually quite beautiful, and it felt like he was staring into my soul; like he could see my secrets, guilt and shame. It terrified me and kept me locked to the spot.

"Is everything okay, Princess?" He asked after what felt like hours of staring. I was concerned I wouldn't be able to make my mouth work for a moment or that it would say the wrong thing however I knew I couldn't just stand there.

"Well... I was feeling a little sick at breakfast so I was going back to my room..." I explained. I didn't wish for him to worry so I added what I hoped was a reassurance. "But I'll be alright!"

"As long as you'll be okay, Princess." He replied, apparently convinced.

Before either of us were able to say more the footfall of someone behind me became distracting. It was only a few moments before I found out who the person behind me was.

"I thought I told you to go to bed Kaia," I recognised the voice immediately; I didn't even have to turn around to confirm my suspicions as to who it was. It was Ren, I was certain.

"Well, I was going to bed when I ran straight into-" I begun to speak when he leaned in close and I could feel the heat radiating off his body as his breath tickled my ear. Yes, definitely Ren.

"Bad girl, no excuses," he teased. I could feel my cheeks flush at his words but I didn't pull away. It was so embarrassing to be teased like this in front of others but I still couldn't bring myself to move away from him. Ren did move away, however, when Kotaro spoke – not by much though.

"Rennoshin! You cannot act in such a way to the Princess!" He reprimanded, looking mortified.

"It's okay, Master Kotaro," I assured him, not wanting for Ren to get in trouble even if his teasing was annoying at times, before turning to face Ren himself. "As I was saying, I was going back to my room when I ran into Master Kotaro,"

"Well, I'll take you back to your room now," it wasn't a question or an offer I could decline but I was more than happy to walk with Ren – more so to get out the corridor than anything else. I nodded in reply before bidding Master Kotaro goodbye. I started walking again with Ren by my side.

The walk back to my room passed in silence – it was comfortable, or rather should have been because every silent moment weighed on my mind like a mass pressing downward with every step I took. I was thankful the walk wasn't long at all. Once we entered my room I situated myself on the floor with Ren directly opposite me. Our eyes locked as he begun to speak.

"You said you'd been feeling sick and you felt hot, do you have any other symptoms?" I nodded in reply to his question, wanting to be as truthful as possible yet not be a bother. I knew it was too late to be completely honest but for today I could try. He looked at me expectantly and after a moment I spoke.

"I haven't been sleeping well... And I'm dizzy, I guess?" I replied with a small shrug.

"For how long have you been feeling unwell?" He asked with concern. I thought for a moment, trying to figure out exactly when it started.

"A few weeks maybe, but it's gotten worse over the last couple of days." I explained, no longer able to meet his gaze. I knew exactly why I felt sick but I couldn't tell him no matter how much I wish I could.

"Do you have a cough? Or runny nose?" I shook my head at this, my guilt only growing the more he tried to figure out what was wrong.

"But," I begun "I feel really low on energy," it just so happened at that moment a yawn took me by surprise.

"Are you worried about anything?" Ren inquired. I felt my heart miss a beat as my body became ridged. Colour drained from my face as I tried to form a response.

"W-well..." was all I managed to say. In that moment I wished I could tell him everything and for a split second I even considered it. But I knew it wasn't an option, not really. I debated with myself as to what I should do, what I should say. I opened my mouth to speak once more but Ren had beaten me to it.

"I think I know what's wrong," as Ren said this I felt my heart stop. He couldn't know; how could he? Despite knowing there was no possible way he could have found me out thoughts and fears still surged through my mind.

"You're worried about the war, aren't you?" The look I received was sympathetic. Relief washed over me and I had to stop myself releasing a sigh. He didn't know, thank the gods – although I didn't know how he would have found out anyway. However he was right, I was worried about the war. It was terrifying and uncertain – nevertheless, my worries lied mostly with tomorrow... About Ren...

"Yes, but..." suddenly it became difficult to talk as a lump formed in my throat and I had to fight away tears. My emotions rushed forward like the sea-front and threatened to sweep me away. I stared intensely at my lap, swallowing. "... I'm more worried about you..."

"You don't need to worry about me," Ren's voice was soft and comforting. I didn't deserve comfort, I knew that. He didn't realise the danger I had put him in... His words didn't sooth me – in fact I thought I felt worse.

"But if anything happened to you..." I choked on my own words as tears slipped from my eyes. My shoulders begun to shake as I tried to stifle my small, quiet sobs. Strong arms wrapped around and pulled me into a warm, tight embrace,

"Don't cry Kaia," Ren soothed as he stroked my hair. I felt safe in his arms, like nothing could touch us; like my terrible decisions couldn't have any effect upon us, as though they never existed.

"Make sure nothing happens to you during the war," his voice became serious, concerned. His concern was misplaced – he should be focusing on himself.

"I promise I will survive if you promise you will live too." I knew neither of us could guarantee survival and I was well aware he was unaware of the greatest threat of all but in that moment that was what I needed to hear. I looked up to him, tears flowing from my eyes like rivers.

"I promise,"

~*~ 


	2. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Break My Heart and Hope To Die shall only be published on Wattpad and Archive of Our Own under elliottkonekawa; if you see this story elsewhere or by another user please message me immediately

_I cannot undo what I have done;_

_I can’t un-sing a song that’s sung._

_And the saddest thing about my regret –_

_I can’t forgive me and you can’t forget.’_

– Lang Leav

Midnight was fast approaching and I was unable to sleep. As I stared at the ceiling above I only continued to feel more and more awake. Deciding I was getting nowhere, I rose from my futon and walked outside hoping the fresh air would help my mind. I approached the cherry blossom tree; I felt guilt, as well as fear and sadness, rise in my chest. This was where it happened. This was where I made the decision that would drastically impact all our lives and change the course we were on. This was where I made a choice that made me unable to look at my reflection. This was where–

I heard footsteps from behind; I turned to see who it was. I hadn’t expected anyone to be up at this time and my surprise only grew when I saw Ren. He was probably the last person I expected to see up at this time. Even so, I didn’t question it as he approached me.

“Are you okay, Kaia?” He asked with the same concern as before that broke my heart. His features were complimented beautifully in the light of the moon and it struck me how this would be the last time I saw him like this – I didn’t want to think of how I might next see him.

“I’m fine,” I lied while attempting to fake a smile but even I knew it came off as pained, saddened. After tomorrow I would never see this caring, concerned face again and if I did I was sorely aware how different his expression would be.

“You’re lying.” He stated, taking a step closer. I had to wonder how he could see right through me while seeing nothing at all. He raised a hand and appeared to be deciding whether to place it upon my shoulder in a comforting manner or if perhaps against my cheek would be better. In that second of indecisiveness, I made the decision for him and leaned my cheek into his hand. There was no point in treading as carefully as I had in the past – in the morning it wouldn’t matter anymore, come morning I would never have this chance again.

“What’s wrong? Still feeling ill?” He questioned, brushing stray strands of my hair away from my face and behind my ear. I didn’t deserve this, I knew it even then, but I couldn’t deny myself of this. Just for that night, I wanted to fulfil my selfish desires despite being so undeserving.

“I-” guilt, fear, sadness, love… everything rushed forwards at once as thoughts clouded my mind. So many thoughts rushed through my head I couldn’t construct a coherent thought. I could barely speak; I didn’t know what to do. I felt frozen, trapped even.

“I-” I didn’t realise I was crying until I felt the wetness drip down my cheeks. I swallowed the lump in my throat. My brown eyes met with green before I was pulled into a firm embrace. I returned it, resting my head against him.

“Don’t push yourself,” accompanying the kind voice was a hand rubbing my back comfortingly. I grasped at him, convinced the second I let go he would disappear. This was the last time I would feel this warmth… I couldn’t bear it. This was my fault. I was going to lose him and it was all my fault. I tried to hold in my cries, unfortunately I wasn’t able to. I could feel myself shake.

“Shh, it’s okay,” he soothed before giving a gentle kiss to the top of my head. I felt safe in his arms but I knew this would only be a distant memory come sunrise. During the embrace we ended up on the floor, kneeling, still holding each other like desperate lovers about to be torn away – although in my mind I suppose that’s what we were.

After what felt like hours I pulled back, tears no longer falling. However, I still refused to let him go. I didn’t want this to disappear. I couldn’t let this disappear.  _Just for tonight_ , I thought,  _let me stay here, like this, with Ren._

“I love you,” I spoke, summoning courage I didn’t know I had. “No matter what happens, I’ll love you. I love you Rennoshin…” I wasn’t sure how he would respond but I knew that come morning it wouldn’t matter anyway. However, when Ren returned my feelings I had never felt happier. Slowly, we inched towards each other before our lips finally met. It was gentle, soft, and ended far too quickly.

“Kiss me again, please Ren…” I requested, not moving from where I was. I wanted to stay close to him, even if it was only for one night.

“… Well.” He said as he leaned his forehead against mine. I could see the pink in his cheeks and I was sure mine looked similar.

“What is it?” I asked; keeping my forehead pressed against his. I never wanted that night, that moment, to end. Everything felt so right, so perfect. I didn’t want to let it go…

“You’re so cute I don’t know what to do with you,” he replied. I felt my blush darken at his words. Before I had time to respond he leaned back in and this time I felt his tongue enter my mouth.

“Kaia, I won’t stop you know?” He said once we parted again.

“Then don’t,” I replied. “Just for tonight…” I leaned back in again, hoping one day he would be able to forgive me for what would transpire the next morning.

~*~

It was the early hours of the morning when I awoke. In truth, I had barely slept at all but that was no surprise to me. I rose and begun preparing to leave – I had to leave everything until the last minute or risk being discovered. I couldn’t take much with me and therefore had to select what I took carefully. As I got to work I only became more aware of everything I was letting go, everything I was losing, everyone I was hurting; it felt like a knife to my chest. But by then it was far too late to do anything – or so I told myself.

I pulled on the drawstring of my bag to close it, staring it down. The bag won; I reluctantly swung it over my shoulder with a sigh. Each step I took towards the door of my room felt heavy, as though I was walking through quicksand. Eventually, I reached the door. I pulled it open, slowly, carefully. I didn’t wish to wake the others and in truth, I didn’t want to leave. I spared one last look at my room and when I felt the tears well up in my eyes I turned away. I left my room for the last time and pulled the door closed behind myself. I let out a breath and closed my eyes – I need a moment to compose myself.

Opening my eyes I started down the hallway, saying my silent goodbyes to everyone as I went. It only got harder as I went on, having to bid goodbyes to everyone made the harsh reality all too real for me… The last room I came to was Ren’s. I pressed my head against the door – with everything so quiet I could even hear his breathing.  _I’m so sorry…_  was all I could think. Knowing he was a deep sleeper I took a chance and cracked the door open slightly. I could just see him sleeping peacefully from where I was… I had to pull myself away before I gave myself up.  _Goodbye, everyone._

My final walk through the place I was beginning to think of as home came to an end and I reached the exit. I couldn’t bear to look back as I opened the door and stepped outside. I was all too aware of those waiting for me. It made me feel sick. Nevertheless, I walked on – I had no choice anyhow. I could see the man who was the cause of all this the second I left the building, waiting for me.

“You came.” He stated, in a voice so familiar yet so foreign, once I was close enough to hear. I hated it. I had known him since childhood, yet it was like I didn’t know him at all. He changed; everything about him did. He was not the man I once knew, I went from knowing so much to virtually nothing about him. All I knew about him now was his name – Jin.

“Yes, I did. I’m a woman of my word.” Even to my own ears, my voice sounded cold and monotone. I was screaming on the inside but refused to let it show. “Get it over with.” I stood beside Jin, looking at the building as I waited for the inevitable.

I watched on as soldiers stormed the building and more lie in wait outside near where I was. I could hear everything from where I was. The gunshots, the clang of swords, the cries and yells – but what broke my heart were the worried voices calling my name, trying to find me and keep me safe. I cut me like a knife; sharp, deep and painful.

Despite what I was hearing and what I was terrified of seeing, I could not turn away. I was frozen, everything was passing all too quickly yet somehow too slowly and I was petrified. My terror only grew as I watched a soldier emerge from the building with a struggling hostage. From the clothing and hair already in view, I could clearly tell who it was. They had captured Ren.

I saw fear, anger and worry come over his face once he was close enough to recognise me. My heart snapped in two. The concern he looked at me with I know was returned in my own face but he did not have a reason to worry for me. He didn’t know what I had done; he didn’t know any better than to trust me, worry for me, love me. It hurt me more than I could say. I had to fight to control my emotions and return my face to an impassive mask.

“Kaia?! Let her go!” He struggled against the soldier’s grip to no avail. The more he fought the more it hurt me. I wished he hadn’t cared for me, as horrible as it may sound. If he hadn’t cared then I wouldn’t have hurt him – nor would my heart have broken the way it did.

“Look around you; do you see anyone forcing me to stay here? Any restraints? Really Rennoshin, I thought you were smarter enough to work this out.” I kept my voice as cold as ice and gaze never wavering. I had to fight to keep up the appearance and gather the will to finish what I had begun. Saying the next words made me nauseous, disgusted – I wanted to scream, cry, anything… But I couldn’t. I couldn’t show any emotion as I spoke.

“I betrayed you. I betrayed you all.”

Shock overcame his face first, accompanied by disbelief. He hadn’t suspected me to say such a thing – why would he? He had trust in me, he cared for me… He loved me. Why would he suspect me as a traitor?

Hurt came next, of course. I knew what I had done would cause pain; I wasn’t naïve enough to believe otherwise. Although it hurt me as much to reveal what I had done as it did for him to hear it. I just wish I had not caused him pain – for that alone I wished I could take everything back.

“You what!?” I almost flinched as, finally, anger hit him. The disdain in his voice struck me and I couldn’t meet his eyes. Despite this, I continued to hold myself at full height and stand my ground with an emotionless face. I stared directly ahead at the house, taking a step forward so Ren was behind me – I could feel his stare bore into my back; however, this was better than having him next to or ahead of me. I couldn’t let my mask fall even though he could no longer see me – I couldn’t risk it.

I listened to the noise erupting from the building with horror. I heard the battle rage on; it sounded as though it was escalating. I already knew who the victors would be and the more it was dragged out the more my concerns grew. I didn’t want the others to end up injured or worse – although it was too late for me to be thinking like that. This was my fault after all – any damage done may as well have been inflicted by my hand. I felt sick to my stomach and thoroughly disgusted with myself.

An unmistakable cry of pain rang out and struck me to my core. It was Sasuke, I was certain. I was also certain that he was still fighting on despite injury – all of them would. Bravery or stupidity; it was a fine line which they would walk. I begged and pleaded Sasuke would give in before he was killed, however I knew giving in would also cause him further harm also. I could feel my hands shake and so I clasped them together in front myself, hoping to diminish the obviousness of my trembling.

I was partially relieved when I saw Sasuke had, too, been captured. He was alive which eased me, however what he would be subjected to in the days that followed almost completely overrode any sense of relief I had. I could see the crimson staining the lower half of his clothing and was well aware it was his own blood as I watched him limp. It didn’t appear to be serious which I was thankful for. I only hoped he would be okay.

I saw a mixture of emotions overcome his face when he saw me, which was no surprise. The dominating emotions I saw were shock and confusion – which also did not surprise me. Had I been in his situation I was sure I would be feeling the same. I continued to show no emotion and refused to meet his gaze. It became harder to not give in to my emotions as time went on.

“Kaia!? What’re you doing standing around!?” Sasuke yelled to me, the mixture of emotions also present in his voice. I didn’t look at him; I couldn’t. Everything I heard, everything I saw weighed on me – it was like everything that went on beat my resolve, hoping I would cave. I was only one more blow away from caving to my emotions. I was gathering myself to answer, reveal what I had done once more, however, I was spared the trouble.

“She betrayed us.” The voice belonged to Ren. I could hear the bitterness, anger, and maybe even disappointment, in his voice. What shone through most, however, was none of the above and was in fact hatred. Hatred for what I had done. Hatred of my betrayal. Hatred for me. It felt like a knife to my chest.

I caught Sasuke’s look of disbelief despite my best efforts not to. In the brief moment I had seen his expression I also registered hurt and further shock. I didn’t look back at him and continued to keep my gaze forward. I answered the unasked question as smoothly and emotionless as I could however even I heard my voice as sombre.

“It’s true.” Short and simple but it held such a deep truth. How could two small words express and confirm so much? How could such a short sentence reveal so much? Out the corner of my eye I saw anger rush through Sasuke. He lunged forward at me and I flinched back. The soldier held him tightly so he could not attack me yet I wished he had been let go. I deserved it – I knew it then and I know it now.

“You BITCH!” He screamed, among other things, as he struggled against the soldier. I could see pain tear through his body as he fought, his injury obviously causing issue. He was led past me, still yelling. I couldn’t blame him for his reaction.

As I stared on I caught sight of the others making an escape off in the distance. From what I could make out they appeared to have superficial injuries, however nothing life-threatening. I was thankful for this; at least they would most likely be okay. I watched as they begun to disappear from my view, as though I was watching over them. Before disappearing from view, Saizo turned towards us. I could have sworn he stared directly at me – the fear of it paralyzed me. I couldn’t even think; I couldn’t breathe. It felt as though he was staring into my soul. He was only there for mere seconds but to me, it felt as though an eternity had passed.

Eventually, the remaining soldiers began filing out from the building. Anything of significance to the war, anything of use, had been commandeered and I was painfully aware of what was next. Still, as I watched the flaming arrows fired from the archers land upon the manor I felt my resolve finally crumble. I turned away from the horrendous sight, unable to stand it any longer. I registered that Sasuke had yelled something to me – I believe something about ‘it being too late to regret my choices now’ – however, I was unable to hear what it was exactly. My vision begun to blur and I was certain it was caused by tears until darkness begun to narrow my vision. The last thing I managed to hear was Jin calling out my name as I went numb and everything went blank.

~*~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment and leave kudos if you enjoyed! I hope to update soon and I hope ya'll enjoyed!
> 
> Break My Heart and Hope To Die shall only be published on Wattpad and Archive of Our Own under elliottkonekawa; if you see this story elsewhere or by another user please message me immediately

**Author's Note:**

> Please comment and leave kudos if you enjoyed! I hope to update soon! I promise chapter one will be better ^^'
> 
> Break My Heart and Hope To Die shall only be published on Wattpad and Archive of Our Own under elliottkonekawa; if you see this story elsewhere or by another user please message me immediately.


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